About Us
Shhh! It's Really Us, the Roswell Aliens!
Back in 1947, when we crash landed in Roswell, New Mexico, we were instant celebrities. Autographs, photo ops, endless fan mail from tweens. We dined with Marilyn!
But fame is fleeting. Once Earthlings stopped caring about little blue checkmarks on social media in the 2020's, we had to step it up. Sure, co-founding Lucky Pineapple Films on September 6, 2005 was groundbreaking, but it wasn’t cool. Not Prince cool. Not Lady Gaga cool. Not Madonna, Cher, or any of those one name legends who ruled by style cool.
That’s when it hit us: fashion makes fame. If they could turn clothes into pop culture stardom, so could we return to our throne. And thus, The Roswell Aliens Store was born on September 2, 2025! Our boutique to beam us back into the spotlight. After all, our teen fans from 1947 would be 91+ in 2025. Time to find some new demographics. Sigh.
Eekwokwiggilywop
Flying saucer leader
Always dresses for the job he wants. Idea of a "wild night" is staying up to 1 a.m. binging TV sitcoms.
Collects office supplies and brags about his “rare Earthling highlighter colors.” Times how long he can stare at his Martian employees without blinking and logs results in Excel, then teaches Earthlings how to do so at seminars. Draws flowcharts for how to load the dishwasher.
Practices his autograph in case fans ever want it. Gets mad when "fans" think he is Shrek. Grows angrier when they correct themselves, "Sorry, you're Kermit the Frog!"
Keeps track of ceiling fan rotation speeds in different stores. Draws pie charts about pizza toppings. Builds LEGO filing cabinets and fills them with LEGO paperwork. Trains goldfish to swim in square patterns and always fails.
Sunuwammywopwop
Second in command
Thinks his John Wayne business casual cowboy costume helps him blend in with modern day Earthlings.
Collects shopping carts from different grocery stores like they’re prized antiques. Does yoga but only does the poses that look dramatic in photography for the yoga book he doesn't finish but uses as an intro to meet cool people at parties. Obsessively shines his shoes, even cheap flip flops.
Plays harmonica badly at 4:00 a.m., convinced it calms his neighbors. Trains squirrels in the park to fetch tiny sticks like dogs. Rearranges furniture in strangers’ houses when invited over lying he studied feng shui in Japan. Collects rubber bands and organizes them by size in labeled jars. Obsessively folds napkins into cowboy hat shapes at diners.
Was fined $500 in the 2010's when, at a suburban Dallas Target, he stepped on all of the bananas crying, learning Taylor Swift would never again be a country artist.
Bob*
UFO Filing Systems Analyst
Wears Texas Longhorns outfits from the University Co-op campus store. Donates to kittens. Picks up street litter. Does lots of nice guy things and feels he is rarely rewarded for it.
Gardens succulents on his balcony and names each one. Fixes bikes for neighborhood kids, even though no one thanks him. Collects quarters from every U.S. state, keeps them in a little UFO-shaped piggy bank. Watches baseball on TV with nachos, insists on explaining the rules to baseball fanatics who already know.
Obsessed with coupons, especially mattress store and grocery flyers. Keeps trying to make queso but it always comes out neon green; he insists it’s “authentic." Writes online reviews for gas stations, diners, and laundromats. Joins human clubs (bowling league, chess club) but always shows up overdressed in his Longhorns jacket and ranting about the Red River Rivalry. Plays claw machines at arcades but never wins, sighs dramatically, then puts in another dollar.
* Earthling nickname, Martian name unknown to humans